Wednesday, August 13, 2014

real talk // secrets don't have friends.



i think for my whole life i've had a guard up. i don't like people to get too close to me, to see deep down inside of me. like all the secret parts of me are put on display.

as a result, for the longest time i was not vulnerable in my friendships. it's been hard for me to be truly vulnerable in my marriage. i've kept my inner parts so closely guarded that no one sees in. because of pride. because of fear. fear of judgment. fear of being hurt.

it's ironic though because this does nothing but subtly hurt relationships. how can my husband possibly love me when i don't let him know all of me? how can friends help me or encourage me when i don't tell them what i'm struggling with?

maybe you're like me. maybe you're afraid that when people get to know the messy part of you that they won't love you. maybe you feel like if you're vulnerable it will just result in pain. and sometimes it will - it's painful to bare yourself.

i know how it feels, but i'm here to tell you this...

it's a lonely place. and it's the place that the enemy wants us to be. where we feel like no one will understand. where we feel like we can be safe with our secrets. where we feel like we have control over every part of us. but we don't have control at all. by keeping these things in the dark, we don't allow the light to penetrate them. by keeping them to ourselves, we don't allow others to speak into our lives and offer encouragement. that is not safe, it's a very dangerous place to be.

but you know what i've learned? most of the time when i'm brave enough to be vulnerable, it gives other people the power to be vulnerable too. and i find out that most of the time people respond with "what, you too?" and i realize that i'm not alone in how i feel. and they realize that too. and if it weren't for vulnerability, we both could have very well gone our entire lives thinking we were the only ones that felt that way. that's why the pain of bringing things to the light and the awkwardness of it all is worth it.

we were made to live in community. we were made to share our struggles, doubts, fears. we were made to life others up and encourage them. we were made to be vulnerable & to allow others to be vulnerable.


"For nothing is covered that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. What I tell you in the dark, say in the light, and what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops."
Matthew 10:26-27

26 comments:

  1. It's definitely true that vulnerability requires a lot of courage, and that's something that I find hard, too-yet it's so needed if you want to develop truly deep friendships!

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  2. Amen, to all of that.

    Thanks for posting this :)

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  3. Wow, the two of us our totally together on this. I blogged about something very similar today! Pretty cool how the Lord works. :)
    I'm a lot like you, and I have to struggle against that desire to keep my true self hidden. It's really hard sometimes to put all of you on the table.....especially when it comes to making new friends and not knowing whether they will like "the real you." But the more I practice, the easier it becomes, and the more fulfilling my relationships have been. So it's definitely worth it!!

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  4. Building community is hard work! A lot of the time it's more work than I find myself willing to do. Which is wrong wrong wrong! Like you said, we were made to fellowship with each other. To support and be supported. Thank you for this great post!

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  5. Yes!! Love this! --> "we were made to live in community. we were made to share our struggles,
    doubts, fears. we were made to life others up and encourage them. we
    were made to be vulnerable & to allow others to be vulnerable." --> I was just talking about this with my husband on Sunday. He was raised in an Asian household where everything is secret even among family. So he has a very hard time when I share (seemingly harmless from my perspective) things with people. But I need to be vulnerable! I feel like if we don't talk about the hard stuff, the personal stuff, finances, health, losses, even amazing unexpected blessings, etc we're depriving ourselves of real community. And who knows how it will help someone when they end up going through something similar? Your post is filled with so much honesty and truth - love it! Thanks for sharing!

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  6. Beautiful post and such truth! Thank you for opening your heart - I can relate on many levels. But God wants community! It’s hard work but oh so rewarding.

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  7. Robyn this is so beautiful! I am so thankful that you shared your heart today because I know SO many people struggle with the same thing. When you're not pursuing community it is absolutely where the enemy wants us to be. But praise the Lord for the moments when you (and others) CHOOSE to pursue community for the purpose of His Kingdom!

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  8. Robyn this is so true! We were made to live in community - I love that Jesus set the perfect example for that, by walking with 12 disciples - what a beautiful display for us that he has called us to do the same!!

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  9. We're so much alike in this way! I think marriage has really taught me so much about opening myself up and allowing others in and it's made friendships blossom. I pray that you will open yourself up as well. :-)

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  10. robyn, this is SO me a few years ago - keeping people out because i was so afraid of what they would think of me or how they'd disapprove if they knew the real me. but you're right - it IS lonely, and it's amazing to meet others who have the same brokenness - all made right by Jesus. (and did you get a new blog design?! very nice, love it!!!)

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  11. There's SO much power in bringing things to light. I think the enemy always has some leeway in your life when there's things you're fearful of voicing. I've definitely experienced much freedom in opening up to other people I know and trust with the deep things.

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  12. What, you too? - You're totally right. I struggle with being vulnerable, too, and I know that it's really hurt some friendships in the past. Here's to being brave!

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  13. so much courage! & even though it's never really easy... you get more comfortable with it when you continue doing it! :) but those first few steps are the hardest!

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  14. thank you Julie! :) thank you for reading this & encouraging me!

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  15. it is neat how the Lord was stirring the same things in our hearts, Sarah! :)
    you're right! it's sooo hard to do the first few times, but then once you push past the awkwardness, it does become more comfortable! and it SO enriches relationships! :)

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  16. it really is! it has to be intentional & sacrificial! many times i want to be selfish & not give my time or comfort! thank you Kathryn! :)

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  17. thank YOU for sharing, Stephanie! :) you are so right when you say that if we don't talk about the hard stuff, we are depriving ourselves of real community! to know & be known is hard but it so enriches our relationships with each other! a lot of times things we are struggling with could help someone else out - but if we don't share then neither of us will ever know!

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  18. thank you Jessica! it is something that i am just now becoming more comfortable/intentional with - glad you can relate! :)

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  19. thank you Madison! i actually thought about not posting this because it's so personal, but i knew i needed to be vulnerable because there are others struggling with this as well! :)

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  20. He really has set the example!! He poured into others & knew them & let Himself be known & we are to do the same!! (i used way too many & signs!)

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  21. i agree friend! :) marriage has really stretched me to where i HAVE to open up & be vulnerable because i can't hide. and it's pushed me to open up more in friendships as well! :) thank you for the prayers!

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  22. it is such a lonely place to be, but such a comfortable/easy place to be and that is scary! but when others are vulnerable too and we can share in our brokenness/sanctification together - that is beautiful & real!


    and yes! i did! :) i wanted to change things around a bit! thank you sweet lady!!! :)

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  23. i agree Rebecca! the enemy knows what our weaknesses & fears are and he plays those to his advantage. he feeds us lies to make us think that we need to keep everything hidden within.... but Jesus didn't do that and we are called to be known & to know! and it is SO freeing! :)

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  24. i see what you did there! :)


    it is crazy to see in retrospect how hurtful it really is to relationships! but i agree - here's to being brave! :)

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  25. Robyn, this is good stuff! I sometimes struggle with this too. Mostly with friendships. I just feels better to look like you have it all together, but that is really such a lie.

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  26. thank you Nikki! it is such a struggle for a lot of people! and the tendency is to create a facade, but people love you the best when you let them in! :)

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