Tuesday, June 28, 2016

last week, i quit my job.

i actually turned in my resignation back in April, but this past Thursday was my last day of work. i announced back in April that i was leaving Accounting to pursue my Master of Social Work. the first step to that plan is here at last - i have quit my job & we are moving to a new city this weekend!

you know how when something big happens, like a birthday or a wedding, people ask you if you feel any different? almost always the answer is "no" because it is just another day and you really feel just like the same person you were yesterday. well, today is different, today feels different for me. today i feel free for the first time in a long time. today i feel excited about my tomorrows. today i feel like me again. 

i've needed to read the words of my last post over and over these last few weeks because they have been full of really hard and challenging days. the kind of days where you arrive home, and you just have nothing left to give. the kind of days where you have to learn how to distance yourself because things are affecting your life in a negative way. the kind of days where you feel like you can't shed one more tear, and you can't show up for one more day. the kind of days where you are forced to learn to extend grace, even when you really really don't want to. but today, those days are over at last. 

if i'm honest, these last few years have been hard and challenging. for the longest time i was afraid to admit that i didn't like the corporate world, that it was draining the life out of me. i could hear "you just need to be an adult" and "buck up and get through it" every time i had these thoughts. i started thinking maybe this is just what being an adult is. maybe this is how everyone feels inside.

and yes, growing up and being an adult does mean bucking up sometimes, and sometimes you do have to force yourself to get through things. but there is a difference in hard situations that grow you, and life-draining situations. i've come to realize that these last few years really have drained the life out of me.

i think it was subtle and slow at first, that it just felt like the norm to me for so long. only looking back on it now do i realize how much the strain has changed me these last few years. only now do i see the slow fading of joy and the way a cloud of stress rained over me constantly. that sounds depressing and dramatic, but it is really hard to explain the situation and toxic environment. i have definitely felt a huge weight lift since getting out of it. 

there is so much freedom in being able to admit that now. there is freedom in realizing something just isn't working and taking action to change it. there is freedom in choosing to chase my dreams and Jesus instead of settling for something less than that. there is freedom in taking back my life, and doing what is best for me. there is freedom in making a change that will better my life and relationships. there is freedom in daring to hope.

that is my biggest take away from these last few years. hope is a choice. i can choose to hope in tomorrow, even if today is tough to get through. i can choose to hope in Jesus because He tells me that i can hope in Him. i can choose to hope in the future, even if i can't see passed today. i can always choose to hope. and hope is always there waiting for me, in the arms of Jesus.

what are you daring to hope for today?

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