Monday, May 06, 2019

random thoughts on being pregnant.


being pregnant isn't at all what i thought it would be. of course, i've really only been through the first trimester, and part of the second, so this post isn't about the entirety of pregnancy but more of my adjustment to the first trimester. which was SUPER tough. i didn't expect months of all-day nausea, not sleeping through the night, daily cramps, severe headaches, and aches in my ribcage making it impossible to get comfortable. 

i found out i was pregnant, felt good for about a week and a half, started planning things and reading books about pregnancy and journaling about it. then the 24/7 nausea set in, and stayed for the first four months (so far, hoping it goes away soon though!). the other symptoms didn't take long to kick in after that, and it has been a huge adjustment for my body... even though i don't have a huge bump yet! (so i know there are even more changes coming) everything has been halted for these past few months, i haven't had energy to unpack the house, haven't been able to cook or smell food at times, haven't had energy to read and plan. (thankfully some energy did come back in the second trimester and i am so very thankful for that!)

for most of my life i never planned on being pregnant, because i always wanted to adopt. but when i married Thomas, we started talking about adopting and having biological children, which is obviously what we are doing, haha! but i never really planned on being pregnant, so i feel like i didn't really know what to expect, and so much more happens with pregnancy than i ever would have thought. it has been tough to deal with all of the changes and sickness, all while working 12 hour shifts. it was extremely hard during my first trimester when hardly anyone knew that i'm pregnant. i didn't feel like myself during that time and it was a struggle to get through each day.

and it's kindof lonely, too. because even though i could tell people how i was feeling, and they could sympathize, i was the only one feeling like this for weeks on end. i didn't have the energy or feel well enough to even go outside and take a walk during my days off. i started to get really bad cabin fever but felt so awful i just couldn't get out of the house and do anything. some days it felt like the first trimester would never end, but as all things do, it eventually did. 

but it really did feel like the transition happened quickly. one day i wasn't a mom, and the next i was. i know that my baby is still developing inside of me, but you become a mom once you get pregnant. the responsibility of motherhood was felt since early on. everything i do affects my baby, what i eat, how much i exercise, what i drink, the environments i'm exposed to, how much sleep i get, what medications i take to feel better, etc. talk about major responsibility, it's easy to get overwhelmed!

i'm already sacrificing so much for this child, and i haven't met him or her yet. i don't even know if it is a him or a her yet! and it's the strangest feeling to be so excited about knowing that a child is developing inside of my body and that in a few months we will have our first child. while, at the same time, having such a hard time with sickness, fatigue, and emotional ups and downs. i've most definitely never experienced that before, being so excited but so exhausted/sick at the same time. wishing that the time passes quickly, but not wanting it to pass by too soon. pregnancy is a super unique life experience, and i know there's going to be so much more to learn and adjust to these next few months. (and then we end up with a baby human to keep alive, so more learning and adjusting haha!)

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